If its Wednesday, it must be Water Day!

I love VBS.

A hot summer morning, opening up the church in the middle of the week, preparing a place where the goal is to tell the smallest disciples about the love He has for just for them. It's a week of anticipation, exploring a Savior that can perform miracles while creating beyond our imagination and singing songs of praise.

I liken it to the Super Bowl...and get just as excited.

I've been involved with my church's summer program for ten years. It started with leading crafts, then teaching the unruly 6th grade class and 5 years ago I took over directorship. I've loved every minute. So much so, that at one point in my ministry, I considered applying to one of the big publishing houses, get to the source where I could help create Vacation Bible School curriculum that would inspire children to a wondrous faith. Creating in California would be so much better than cutting fun foam crosses in New Jersey...right?

I even attended a VBS seminar at my local bookstore. Those big ol' publishing houses were represented and each flashlight, paper clip, video reel and power point presentation they gave out was used to convince me that their particular curriculum was exactly what was needed for a great program that will further the kingdom of God.

Gotta love CS...Christian Swag.

Then came the actual presentations. Now, I'm familiar with Bible School Themes. I've been in a space academy, gone to a wilderness camp, been a sports hero and prayed down on the farm. So worshiping with a capuchin in the rain forest didn't seem like a reach, it almost felt like home.
Then came Green Jesus. Reinforcing christian responsibilities to one's family, health and faith in the urban community. A noble and worthy course of study for sure.
Finally, we heard about being a hero with Jesus while not necessarily being an hero type person. The lessons were all about stories of nameless people in the Bible.

I listened to them all. Looked over lesson books, craft projects and snack suggestions. I won't tell you what I chose, only you will know what is right for your resources and your church, but I did learn a very important thing that day.

It doesn't matter how you do Vacation Bible School and Outreach, it just matters that you do it.

I felt a shift in my soul. I didn't want to go BIG, I wanted to stay and tend to and maintain a VBS in my community that would help kids I knew and loved. Like the gardener that vows to give the fruit tree all his effort for one more year, I am fully committed to not only directing the program but providing VBS for the community. That place where a powerful God pours out love and laughter like a splash on water day. A place where lots of receiving goes on too. Its the living picture of "going where they are". A summer place of play and faith. Themes and snacks fade when you talk to kids and relate your faith in a real way.

His way, sending real people to love the way they have been loved.

like it was yesterday...?

facebook is a funny thing.

For those of us of a “certain age”, its not so much funny haha as it is

funny…oh dear…

Pictures from high school re-emerge in your very-right-now life. Unfortunate haircuts, poor clothing choices, sad decisions and those who were right there with you. I mean, I was in high school 28 years ago.

These days I work with High School students. Its different than when I was a senior in 1980. I started cheering at 9 years old and didn’t stop until I had to. It was my passion, a chance to scream and yell and jump for the greater good. I loved it. The cast of GLEE pretty much made up my lunch table and I had 2 serious boyfriends in my 4 years at MHS. If I stayed after school, it was because I was painting Panther signs for the halls. You could have called me Straight Edge, but back then, Straight Edge was just the side of a ruler. I was a well known kid but not exactly popular. The not-so big-secret is that I feel as though I’ve gone my whole life as a big ‘ol dork. Now I just dress better.

SO…today on facebook, a picture came up…it a candid shot taken of the “Smoking Pit” outside the lunchroom doors at my high school 28 years ago. An old classmate posted the picture, he was there. I was not. I recognized a few of the people and was happy to see them, I read through all the comments and got all the jokes, but I was nervous about posting a comment. This wasn’t my crowd then. The inner dork still rages.

Then I saw the picture again.

It was another old classmates profile, he had re posted it and started a new thread of conversation -saying how he hadn’t been out to the pit much, making a reference to the show Freaks and Geeks (google it - its SO worth it), and then followed by various posts of injury, resentment and bitterness. I recognized those feelings in me too and it made me sad.

Both of these men are friends of mine now. True, they are “facebook Friends”, but to me those are friends all the same. There seemed to be two different stories for the same picture…those who were there and those, like me, who definitely weren’t. I wanted to respond in a way that honored the nostalgic feelings of both men while expressing my own. My truth was this;

I never got out there…on nice days, half of me was scared and the other envious.
“They get to be outside”…it never occurred to me that I could just go out to enjoy the weather.

: l

I remember the scared feeling…they seemed so cool, but the activity was something i had been told was wrong and worse, dangerous and unbecoming.

For me high school was all about becoming.

I loved high school. Some may have seen me as dorky, some as blessed, some as blissfully ignorant. What I know now is, for the most part, I was really happy. I can’t imagine being in high school now. In teen fantasy shows (Hello Degrassi), everyone has issues but they are really, really pretty. In real life, things happen that are so shocking that schools should have the parental advisory warning printed a big sign out front.

Mature Audience Only
This school is designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17. This school program contains one or more of the following: graphic violence (V), explicit sexual activity (S), or crude indecent language (L).

I see what’s happening in our local high school and think, “I’d get ignored as a high school student today.” I listen to students and and know in my heart that the things they fight for mean everything to them. This is their life right now. The kids that hover below the surface and above the fray feel invisible. The squeaky wheels seem to rule, but at a huge cost.

What will their pictures say 30 years from now? What will they become? Are they taking the time to go out and enjoy the weather? Am I providing relevant leadership to kids who float between raising a ruckus and merely raising an eyebrow?

Or am I just dressing better and hoping for the best?

My prayer is that recognizing the shift at all is half the battle. Providing a place where kids can be themselves and leave the drama of high school behind, even if just for a night or two, is the least I can do. Beyond that, I can care for them unconditionally, guide them with a heart that screams for them and their lives, and show them a life that has a love at the center that makes all the drama seem small in comparison. If that’s dorky, than I’m good with being the biggest dork of all.

Rage on.

Who

There are two dogs in our family Asti and Spumante, Mante for short.

Asti is a beautiful golden mutt with the sweetest dispositon. She also doesn’t believe she is a dog. She is a princess in a dog suit and that has always been fine with us. Mante is a cute Shih tzu who knows just how cute she is and won’t let you forget it. thankyouverymuch.

So…yesterday our Asti died. She was a special dog, I’ll miss her alot. Losing her was devastating, but not for the reasons you may expect.

Watching my daughters and my husband grieve is possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never seen my oldest daughter this upset and I’ve only seen my husband this distraught once before, when we lost the first pet we shared together. Still, at the animal hospital yesterday I was able to hold my daughters while they sobbed, embrace my husband while he struggled to hold it together. I even patted the Vet’s shoulder and acknowledged that this has to be the worst part of her best days at her job. Because that’s my job…I’m a Mom.

I recently read that, “When you become a Mother you are no longer the picture but the frame.” - Those are daunting words in times of grief or despair. I love celebrating my family, their joys are my joys, my heart swells with pride at their accomplishments. I can push them forward to be celebrated too. Put them in the path of pain, however, and I will fiercely fight to protect and shield them. Because that’s my job…I’m a Mom.

So yesterday when my family was feeling SO. MUCH. PAIN. I went into comfort mode. Anything they needed was theirs; boyfriend, bad tv, junk food, a nap, more junk food, more bad tv. I was there to provide and I did.

Then it hit me…our dog died. I was sad and wanted comfort. My mom lives hours away in Maine. Short of calling and talking to her (which I did until my family pulled up in the car after me), what would I do? Who’s job is it to comfort Mom?

Now I know why we celebrate Father’s Day.

See, my father and I are estranged. We don’t speak for very good reasons. It’s healthier that way. I’ve been blessed with a step dad and a father in law who bless me beyond imagination, but aren’t necessarily the cuddly, talky type I need when I’m in pain. My husband had his own pain - I was not his job.

Thankfully, yesterday I was able to lean into the everlasting arms of the Father to us all. The Father who has taught me the most about care, compassion and healing. The one who is always there when we ask and never looks away.

All we have to do is ask. So I prayed

Then I did what all the cool kids do when they are in pain.

I went on Facebook and changed my status.

our beloved Asti…such a great companion and snuggler…we’ll miss her.

Within minutes I heard from my youth group kids. Leaders came to my house with hugs and tears. One girl told me if I wanted to talk she was available and going through the same thing with her dog…

He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.

Today I am celebrating. Maybe not as joyously as Father’s Days in the past, but I am reassured that there is a Father that loves me, cares for me and sends angels in all kinds of disguises to carry out that care and love right here in the middle of a crazy, scary and sometimes painful world.

I’m celebrating Fathers who hear Him with me and guide their families to church, who love their children safely and with great faith. Who love their wives with honor and just a bit of wonder so their sons will love their wives the same way.

If we are treated well, given a helping hand and encouraging word, that also works to your benefit, spurring you on, face forward, unflinching.

I feel as if I may have been tested yesterday, God and I have been through many good times together. We celebrate ALOT! Yesterday was difficult and it would’ve been easier to ask company to come another day and leave us to our grieveing, but I know He says,

“your hard times are also our hard times. When we see that you’re just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you’re going to make it, no doubt about it.”

I may be the Mom, and I love my job but I can’t tell you how comforting it is each time I remember I’m not alone! Good times, bad times. Joys and times of comfort. Now matter how Super Mom I get…I can always go to the Father who promises to sustain me and taught me how to care for others, so they can go care too.

My daughter put a post on her blog yesterday about Asti…this is what it said;

We all know you are in a place where you will be able to eat as (many) flying hamburgers as you want and you’ll be able to play fetch with someone that will never get tired

and He loves you a much as I do.

Happy Father’s Day to my Father

and all God’s children said Amen.

My father hasn’t passed much down to me in terms of child rearing.

But this past week reminded me of one lesson in particular.

We were once at a restaurant and there was a child acting up.

Running about, taking other people’s silverware, screaming each and every want and need.

Bless the parents, they tried everything…gently cooing, various toys, crayons, less gentle cooing.

 

My father and I talked about the child I was, the parent he was and the parents he had.

“In Dutch we have a saying,” he said, “If you didn’t bring it with you, you won’t find it here.”

It was too late to teach this child restaurant manners in the restaurant.  The child needed the knowledge before the outing began.

 

I thought about that during The Princeton Forum on Youth Ministries.

 

I was nervous about going.

Yes, I’m a veteran youth worker.

Yes, I love what I do and feel I have a heart for it.

 

I’m always a bit mindful before a conference.

My heart leads kids instinctually; it’s nice to be with others with the same heart and hear from professionals who’ve walked the walk.

But now I was nervous – this was PRINCETON.

Heart and Brain are two different things.

Too different things?

 

I prayed alot in the days leading up to my trip. Then I just went.

It was much more academic than I’m used to.  I think I hung pretty well, and where I felt out of my league I just sat and listened…and learned.
I took a three day extended seminar on the systems and became more confident in the kind of leader I am. I found that I’m consistently collaborative and compromising. That’s a good thing…except when it’s not.
I took a workshop on managing time and leaders. Delegating, relegating and creating on schedule.  I’m pretty squared away there actually….plan BIG and work back in small steps…love that.
I learned how young adult literature can influence youth ministry without using Twilight. I found I was happy I used it anyway. I tended to my soul (I highly recommend it), in a way that made me hear God differently and more clearly than ever before. I was privileged to hear something I had missed before. God is good like that.  I got to hear people say insanely eloquent things about the condition of their soul that made me shiver inside. 
I loved that too.
I spoke with incredibly brilliant people who love kids and those who lead them. We talked about churches and how grow them the way God intends - with His will and vision at the forefront. There was very little ego or power struggle. I was able to see glimpses of the Me yet to come. The temptation is to go home and turn my workplaces into revolution fields. Change, grow and look for God everywhere. I know He’s there. But I also know now that things have to happen in His time.  He has the plan.
I never should have feared. 

I love what I do and have a heart for it. 

My heart leads kids instinctually, but I hunger for knowledge and thirst for truth.                               

It’s the same way I follow Christ.
I didn’t have to worry about hanging at Princeton.
I followed my heart and therefore my God was pleased.
I brought Him with me and He found me there.

The Spiritual Shuffle

So I do this thing.

A couple of years ago I was given an iPod for Christmas. It has changed the way I listen to music.

I. love it.

It is the soundtrack of my life. Any song that was ever anything to me is on there. I also have musical gifts from friends, songs from bands my daughters and youth group kids have introduced me to, soundtracks from movies I love. 886 songs in all. While I am a youth leader by call, I am a music lover by nature. There is everything from Contemporary Praise and Worship music to Kid Rock to 80’s pop. It rocks my world…

…and it allows me to have conversations with God.

I try to do it in the morning but it works anytime. I start with prayer. Prayer for good conversation. Its like the mental state you get into before a phone call to a good friend who lives far away. A clearing of one’s head. Then I reset my iPod, dial back to Music, then Shuffle Songs, and hit that middle button. The way I see it, God decides what happens next, so I just listen to what He has to say. Sometimes its silly, sometimes funny and other times achingly profound. I let it play and really try to be conscious of what I’m supposed to hear.

This practice, at different times, has spurred me to prayer, encouraged me, enraged me and made me giddy with joy.

As a result, God and I have sung, danced and cried together during our conversations…we talk almost everyday.

I’m aware that this is very close to something we veteran leaders call Bible Dipping, opening the Bible and blindly pointing out your verse for the day. At the very least you’re in the Word. Not as responsible as solid Bible learnin’, but its a whole lot better than nothing!

Occasionally its the title of the song that is a very direct message, in some cases there will be a line or a refrain that jumps out of the speakers and stops me in my tracks. In my favorite times, God and I will share a private moment, one that is just ours, where I know He knows. I usually let it run as long as possible. Some days it’s 5 songs as I get ready to face the world, other times its a long, drawn out conversation that takes place throughout the day.

I know it sounds crazy…God in an iPod?! But aren’t we all just called to listen for His voice? If our lives are all mapped out by His master plan, wouldn’t the God I love, and that loves me, include a soundtrack? And if that lifetrack is contained in one little Apple product, and I set that product to play a “random” playlist, wouldn’t God pick that out too?

I dare you to try. No cheating. No skipping. Although repeating is not only allowed but encouraged. I once started listening to Madonna’s “Live to Tell” 4 times because I kept getting distracted. Each time I was sent strong reminders that said, “HEY!! I was in the middle of a conversation!”. When I finally sat and listened all the way through I heard God say:

If I ran away, I’d never have the strength to go very far.
How would they hear the beating of my heart?
Will it grow cold?
The secret that I hide, will I grow old?
How will they hear?
When will they learn?
How will they know?

I’m a music lover by nature, but a youth leader by call…I’ll take almost any opportunity to listen what He had to say.

It's all about the Climb...

I am convicted today.

I make a meager living teaching kids about things like grace, forgiveness and tolerance. I tell them that God will love them through the worst hardships and that everything will be ok in the end..if its not ok, its not the end. Lean back into His everlasting arms as if in a trust fall and He will catch you.

Its my turn now. And today I’m scared to the point of strangled panic.

I’ve been asked for a last chance, to trust once more, to extend enough grace for one week, to see things new and start fresh. I’ve done this all before and am unused to the new feelings of anger, detachment and resentment. I have to clear my head and do this right.

Its what I’m called to do.

It had been luxurious to answer the call while in the state of ignorant bliss. When hurt and despair slithered in, I fought and became focused and intentional in my teaching. Now I’m empty and sore and my work is cut out for me. Tonight I had to admit to fear. I reached out and asked people to pray. And then there was prayer waiting for me.

It occurs to me that I’m being called out. Jesus may want to confirm what I’m made of. I’ve done plenty of talking the talk, can I walk the walk? I want to pass this test with flying colors. To answer the call again. This time it counts. For me, my family, those who trust me to lead and the One who called me.

It’ll all be ok in the end…in the meantime, I’m leaning.

A view from the bridge.

I've been back from Camp for three days.
It feels like a lifetime.

There were 4 leaders for 16 kids. Great ratios if you're into that sort of thing. We went to Lake Champion in Glen Spey, NY. Its a Young Life facility that opens itself up for high school weekends. Beautiful place, I'm convinced that the Holy Spirit takes up residence there when no ones looking.

Our church has been taking kids there forever. This was my 15th trip as a leader. Every trip has been different and the same - taking kids through the message of the gospel, running with them, letting them know how much they are loved by their God and their leaders. The faces change but God and His message are constant. I see you, I want the best for you , come to me and there will still be hardship, but I promise you good news. Camp is truly a glorious experience. To have the opportunity to laugh over the foozeball table, bond over a cup of cocoa, pour out over a long walk through a woods, it opens kid's hearts so that they feel what God's love is. Over and over and over......

The day to day rush of being a youth leader or a high school student doesn't leave enough time for that. As a leader you have administrative and family responsibilities, some even have a "real" job where work has piled up over the weekend. Then there is the planning to do for the next week. As a student, there are countless pulls on you, schoolwork, friends, family, chores, fighting temptaion at every turn. It easy to let the camp experience fade in the rear view mirror of the rental van as you get closer to the life you left behind.

I find myself wishing for little Tupperwear containers...put pieces of camp inside and seal them up with a burp so kids and I can extend the shelf life a little bit. So when the first hits from the very real world come, you could open it up and take a good long sniff. It would smell of pine and cocoa and snow and laughter. It would remind you of being loved and accepted and honored as one of God's chosen. It would bring you back for just a moment so you could bask in it. Someone from Tupperwear should get on that...

In the meantime God sends us. He sends his Word. He brings us kids with questions and struggles who want to know that someone sees them. I'm grateful for the trust He has in me. To honor that trust, I'm honest when I don't have all the answers. I struggle with them and sometimes I don't understand, but I won't hide from them. I always come home ready to take on new challenges, forge new realtionships and renew my relationship with kids and Christ.

Over and over and over.....<3